How to Break Up With Someone in the Kindest Possible Way

Getting dumped is never fun, but people often tend to forget that initiating the breakup can also be pretty awful.Yes, you’re in control, but that doesn’t leave you immune to guilt, angst, grief, or some deeply unpleasant combo of all the above. After all, you truly cared about this person at one point. Maybe you even loved them. Maybe you still do. And even worse than seeing someone important to you get hurt is being the one to intentionally cause that hurt. “You care about that person and so it is hard to just overnight stop caring,” explains Meaghan O’Neil, a Seattle-based licensed marriage and family therapist associate. “We are not robots. We are human beings. So it is difficult when you care about someone to know that you are potentially going to hurt them.”

To help you through this minefield of a process, the Cut asked O’Neil, along with therapist Samantha Burns, a licensed mental-health counselor, relationship coach, and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, and clinical social worker and psychotherapist Matt Lundquist, the founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, how to break up with someone as smoothly as possible during every stage — from the moment you decide to end things to the mourning phase that follows the split.

Before the breakup

1.

Spend some time reflecting.

“Relationships trigger a lot for many people. We all are operating from different attachment systems, from different relational histories, and you want to make sure that you are not making an emotional, quick decision. You don’t want to make a rash decision based on a heightened emotion. So if you sit and reflect and regulate yourself, you can think about this decision over time, and during that reflection you should be asking: What needs are not being met? Is this something we can work on together? What will my life be like without this person? Is there something I haven’t communicated yet?” —O’Neil

2.

Be extra clear about your needs.

“The No. 1 question is: What are your needs, and are they being met? If they’re not being met, is it something the person can do? Have you tried to have them meet them and it doesn’t work? If there’s a world in which either you do not want this person to be the one to meet your needs or they cannot meet your needs, then that is probably a chance to decide that this person is not for you.” —O’Neil

1.

Give yourself and your partner a chance to fix things.

“A breakup should never come out of the blue. Before making a final decision to end the relationship, you should share your concerns or dissatisfactions, and try to work through them as a team. Though the decision to call it quits may not be mutual, it’s your job to communicate and let your partner know how you’re feeling, even if you think this may hurt or disappoint them. I think it’s important to include your partner as much as possible in discussions around your feelings so that a breakup doesn’t take them by surprise, which can be quite traumatic and confusing.” —Burns

4.

Pick a location.

“If you feel safe with your partner, do it in private where you can take time to talk through it and answer their questions. If you don’t live together, break the news at their place so that you can leave when you’re ready. If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, consider doing it in public, with a friend nearby, or even over the phone or in a letter depending on your specific situation, prioritizing your safety.” —Burns

5.

Work out the logistics.

“Many long-term committed couples cohabitate and share finances. If you live together, you should have a plan of where you’ll stay, whether it’s temporarily under the same roof in different rooms, or at a friend or family’s place, and how you’d like to divide your belongings.” —Burns

6.

Know yourself in conflict.

“Knowing yourself in conflict is important at this moment. What do you know might dysregulate you in the conversation, and how can you prepare for that? Potentially prepare a response for yourself. Is it taking a break? Is it taking two deep breaths? Are there things that you know you don’t want to say, even at the height of the moment?” —O’Neil

7.

Practice the conversation with a trusted friend or therapist.

“I always recommend practicing conversations. There can be no harm. Saying what you want to say out loud can take some of the air out of it and also help the person initiating the breakup feel prepared to share how they’re feeling honestly, because that’s a hard thing to do.” —O’Neil

8.

Brace yourself for feelings on both sides.

“Be prepared that your partner may be very hurt and in shock and need time and space to process the news and how they’d like to manage communication. You’ll likely get emotional, too. Your partner was your emotional home, the person you depended on, and with whom you shared your life. You likely didn’t make the decision to break up lightly; so don’t doubt your decision just because you miss them or feel lonely at first.” —Burns

9.

Give your friends a heads-up.

“Let close friends know in advance so that they can be there to support you in the transition. Share it with a couple people whose advice or support you value, especially if talking it through with them gives you clarity. Your support system is the people who will give you love and belonging when you feel lost and alone.” —Burns

During the breakup

10.

Leave space for their point of view.

“While you may be the one initiating the breakup, relationships often end when both people are unhappy. Assuming you’re the only one for whom the relationship hasn’t been working can be dismissive.” —Lundquist

11.

Start by being straightforward.

“It depends on why you’re ending the relationship, but if you genuinely care about and respect this person, be empathetic and rip off the Band-Aid with a straightforward statement such as, ‘There’s no easy way to do this, and it hurts me to know I’m hurting you, but I need to end this relationship.’” —Burns

12.

Keep it simple.

“Breakups are not a time to go deep. If you’re leaving a relationship, getting into old hurts and hashing out why things went wrong doesn’t always make sense. You’re leaving, so those thought processes are for your own therapy and reflection on your own time, not for the person you just dumped. Not only is it unfair to get into, but the conditions typically aren’t there for a hard conversation about what exactly went wrong. A simple explanation is best, but remain disciplined about digging into the past.” —Lundquist

13.

Explain your thinking.

“The best breakup conversations convey clear reasons why the relationship isn’t working, since the hurt partner may waste a lot of time afterward searching for evidence about what went wrong. Rather than point fingers, try to share from your perspective about how you’re feeling, whether it’s unappreciated, unloved, disconnected, that you have different core values, or want different things out of life.” —Burns

14.

Speak strictly from your point of view.

“For example, if someone is not spending enough time with you, instead of blaming them and saying, ‘You are not spending enough time with me,’ say, ‘I need to be in a relationship with someone who can spend more time with me.’ State your breakup from what isn’t being met for you. I think that’s always best practice in conflict, to speak from your perspective, because, again, we’re not robots. If someone tells us what we are, of course we’re going to get defensive.” —O’Neil

15.

Be honest.

“The kindest thing you can do is give someone honesty so they don’t spend time wondering.” —O’Neil

16.

Be kind.

“Breaking up is a brave thing to do, but being broken up with is harder. Be decent.” —Lundquist

“‘Be kind,’ to me, feels like the No. 1 thing you should do. Validate the other person’s feelings. Hear them out. Oftentimes, if you’re the one doing the breakup, you’ve had time to think about it. They’re going to be processing this news in real time. Give them that space to do this. Being kind isn’t just blowing smoke up their ass. Being kind is allowing them to have whatever response they’re going to have.” —O’Neil

17.

Be prepared for some defensiveness.

“If they’re defensive, just validate that for them. Say, ‘I know this is hard for you. I know this sucks. I wish this was different too.’ To the point of keeping it simple, this is where it’s like, ‘I’ve come to this decision. Here are a few reasons why, and I’m so sorry that that’s hard.’” —O’Neil

18.

Stick to your decision, regardless of how your now-ex responds.

If they beg you to change your mind: “Someone shouldn’t have to beg or convince you to love them or be with them. A breakup can be confusing when there’s not necessarily something wrong that you can put your finger on, or if it’s just a feeling. Trust yourself that in the right relationship, your head and heart will agree and you won’t have to choose between them.”

If they get angry: “Remember that only you can control your behaviors and emotional responses. Commit to staying calm and realize that anger is a secondary emotion, usually masking hurt, pain, and rejection. After you say what you need to say, if they lash out, remove yourself from the situation, with the option to have a final closure conversation when they’ve cooled off.”

If they get sad: “You can make an empathetic comment, such as, ‘I know this is really hard on you, and that it’s not what you want to hear. I’m so sorry to hurt you,’ but don’t leave the breakup up for debate. Being wishy-washy may give your partner false hope that they can convince you to stay.”

If they promise to change: “This is a common reaction to a breakup: Your partner will make promises, whether it’s to change, go to therapy, or do whatever you want to make it work. However, these types of changes should have already been discussed before you actually made the decision to break up.” —Burns

After the breakup

19.

Take a beat if you need one.

“I think it’s okay to give yourself a moment. Yes, telling people ahead of time that you’re going to do this is helpful so that you have someone to check in on you, because you don’t want loneliness. But I don’t know that you need to go and talk about it before you’re ready. I think sitting with it yourself is important, because who knows what your friends and family are going to say? They could be like, ‘This is the worst mistake you’ve ever made.’ You want to feel relatively settled in your decision before you start bringing in outside opinions.” —O’Neil

20.

Tell your friends and family as soon as you’re ready.

“I highly recommend sharing the news relatively quickly with your inner circle. A common symptom of a breakup is feelings of loneliness and isolation, so quality time and phone calls with your breakup buds will help you feel connected.” —Burns

21.

Keep your ex out of your mourning process.

“One of the trickiest parts of a breakup is that they’re emotionally tough, but the person you’ve gone to for help during hard times — even if it wasn’t working — is now the person you’ve just ended things with. Seeking support from (or giving support to) a new ex tends not to be that helpful in the end and should be off limits.” —Lundquist

22.

Prioritize your physical and emotional health.

“The most important coping skills involve managing your physiological needs for proper sleep, diet, and exercise, as well as quality time with supportive friends. You may also want some time to yourself to cry it out. Just don’t self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, rebound sex, stalking your ex on social media, or frequently contacting them.” —Burns

23.

Make a game plan for social media.

“You probably will want to keep following them to see what they’re up to. But check in with yourself. Is it fair to them for you to be watching their stuff? Is it keeping you energetically tied to them? Be really honest with yourself in the moment of social media about why you wouldn’t mute, unfollow, remove, or block them. Social media is never a need. It feels like the easiest thing to cut back on — I highly recommend unfriending or blocking. Just giving yourself a mental break from this person.” —O’Neil

24.

Be digitally considerate.

“Don’t reach out to them. If you break up with someone, I think it’s probably a fair rule to say you should wait for them to reach out to you. It’s not fair to keep pushing something. If you are the person who has done the breakup, maybe don’t let them view your social-media content for a bit. Or just be considerate in what you’re posting knowing that they might see it. Kindness is key here.” —O’Neil

25.

 If you’re having second thoughts, give yourself time to know for sure.

“Regretting the breakup is different than missing your ex. It’s normal to miss someone who was a huge part of your life. But regret suggests you realized you made a big mistake, or the circumstances around the breakup have changed — maybe you’d no longer have to do long-distance, or one person is better able to prioritize the relationship. If you regret the decision, it may be worth it to have a conversation with your ex, but I’d wait at least three months post-breakup to make sure these feelings don’t pass. And be prepared to discuss what would be different.” —Burns

26.

Practice kindness when talking about your ex.

“Don’t talk badly about them to others after the breakup. With your close friends and family you can share how you were feeling and what you were experiencing, but I don’t think it’s fair to — and also just not good karma out there — to disparage someone you have just broken up with.” —O’Neil

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