Friend Breakup Stories From Our Readers

I spent months planning my bffs wedding, throwing both the shower and the bachelorette and taking a week off work; I spent $5k total (over 10% of my income), and then I watched their dogs for a week while they were on their honey moon. The day after the wedding, at the brunch; they had these table arrangements and everyone was given one and then I went to get mine, and her parents stopped me and said they were out of ones to give, the remainder would be going with them. When they returned from their honeymoon, they brought me a $10 purse from the beach peddler and then followed up with the biggest thank you—including a picture of me raging drunk in the wedding album permanent collection for kicks. That was 20 years ago; the couple is divorced, and I stopped talking to her permanently maybe four years after that. I was really people pleasing and boundary-less, but it both turned me off of having my own wedding, and being in anyone else’s.

Couldn't agree more. A friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said no, citing financial reasons. While that was part of the truth, I was hoping to shift gears so this friendship could be more casual because she was really volatile and, to put it mildly, had anger issues. Instead she offered to pay for all my expenses and kept insisting that she wanted me to be in her wedding. Finally I told her that while I appreciated the offer, I didn't want to be a bridesmaid because her temper made me uncomfortable.

She never spoke to me again. I could've called her and tried to make up, but honestly, I felt like I dodged a bullet.

It's awful that we do these things to ourselves. My childhood BFF, whom I'd known since I was 10, got a ring on her finger at age 34 and it was all downhill from there. I was in the middle of a pretty deep (but being managed!) depression after a breakup and job loss. Our lives couldn't have been more opposite then, and there were times I had to keep her at arm's length because I knew I couldn't be a good friend. At the same time, she didn't have any self-awareness and took this backing off as me not caring about her or her fiance. I was very open with her about this, but the world revolved around her and she was not accepting of this reality.

Among other fun experiences, I found out I wasn't in the wedding party only when her sister copied me into an email chain to plan her bachelorette party. I confronted my friend on this and her reasoning was I had been job searching at the time and she didn't want to put me in an "uncomfortable financial position." No justification for not having a conversation about this like an adult, btw, but, hey, at least she was being considerate?!?

I almost didn't go to the wedding, and even had the excuse since Amtrak was messed up that weekend, but sucked it up. It was truly awful. I was not given a plus one (nor a heads up that I wouldn't before invites went out), was relegated to a table in the corner with her mom's friends from our hometown, and had to watch friends I knew had been awful to her over the years be her bridesmaids. Clearly there were underlying issues that got amplified - literally every single wedding I've ever been a part of outside of this one has been fun and enjoyable - but that's still no excuse to treat people who love you despite your flaws and have been in your life for so long so cruelly

I had an ex-bestfriend reach out some years after she unceremoniously dumped me (and then did her best to isolate me and my partner from what was originally his friend group to begin with), apologizing for the way she had handled the situation as an immature young adult. She acknowledged that she had listened to the wrong people and was sad we were no longer part of each others' lives. It was nice to get the letter but I did not respond and don't plan to - at this point, she's somebody that I used to know (a song that reminds me of her) and I've moved on. I wish her well but otherwise don't think about her beyond when articles like this pop up. My MIL and SIL hold grudges against her on my behalf tho, which I appreciate lol

"But what if you think you’ve got that “unconditional positive regard” kind of friendship, when to her you are a peripheral friend at best?"

I can't stop thinking about this one (ex) friend who was so close - I thought. We did holidays together, shared everything, our kids were best friends too. I even gave her brother a car (it was an old one, don't get me wrong, but I could have used it as a trade-in - I just thought we were like family). I helped her and her husband as job references and would have bent over backwards to do whatever I could to help them. But then she moved away (I mean, like 15 minutes away, as opposed to being in my neighborhood - not that far!) and it seemed like she had some mental struggles and got off social media, and I never saw her but at least we could text sometimes. I tried to be supportive still. I just thought she needed space for her health, but then I noticed her husband dropped me from his social media, and she didn't answer any of my messages. It was clear they were done with me. We must have been mismatched in feeling. I realized in retrospect how one-sided it was. I was of no real importance to her I guess. And yet! I still miss her sometimes and wonder what happened.

So this article outlines something I have seen many times, and also experienced for myself: most friendships seemingly can't survive conflict. The idea of the "lifelong friendship" is celebrated in all kinds of media, but I just haven't seen too many friendships last an entire lifetime, because eventually there's some kind of conflict and one person decides to ditch the friendship rather than work things out.

I would love to understand this, given that supposedly, meaningful relationships will always experience some "bumps in the road." In the case of my longest-standing friend group, we hit a "bump in the road" with one of our friends two years ago, and she responded by completely detaching from the group; she no longer responds to any of our messages. I'm not the only person I know with a story like this.

If someone who had been married for 30+ years decided to dump their spouse after one conflict, everyone would think that was bananas. But our friend dumped us, after 30 years of friendship that dated back to our middle-school days, after a conversation about her behavior on a group trip that caused us concern (combining sedating prescription medication and quite a bit of alcohol). We all honestly thought we would bring up the topic, have a tough but ultimately constructive conversation, come to some kind of resolution, and continue being friends, because we love each other and want the best for each other. Instead, she dumped us flat. If the friendship was "fragile" and not "meant to last," how did it last for the first 30 years?

My adult bestie become a Trumper and that was that. We tried hanging out a few times post his election, but she could not not talk about her political views.

It’s sad, because we got each other through a lot of tough times. But, ultimately, we don’t have anything in common anymore. We didn't have a blow out fight or anything…we just didn’t respect each other’s worldviews.

I have ghosted a friend of 20 plus years, and I can’t say I regret it. I can admit I am a conflict avoidant person and don’t enjoy difficult conversations. And I know it’s something I need to work on, but in this case I felt that this breakup was long overdue and a conversation to fix it would have been useless. She was completely self involved and narcissistic, and routinely made everything about herself. Whenever I tried to express that something she did hurt my feelings, she would make me feel like I was weak or couldn’t take a joke. I would tell her about things going on in my life, and she would cut me off mid sentence to talk about herself. My final straw was when we got into a petty disagreement over a vacation we had planned, that she then dropped out of which forced me to travel to a foreign country by myself. That was several years ago and I haven’t spoken to her since. In retrospect I recognized that our friendship was never built on solid ground, it was just convenient. Since it ended, I’ve formed friendships with some amazing women that showed me what I had been missing. They show up genuinely and reciprocate my care and kindness, something I never got in my former friend. Its sad to realize decades of friendship can never be recovered but ultimately I’m better off.

I'm on the other side of this and I ended a friendship that was extremely close by "drifting away" intentionally. I chose to drift away from her instead of "talking it out" because I don't trust myself not to fall into the same pattern with her. She is manipulative, not only with me but in other relationships. Her, let's call it entitlement, and my absolute need to please other people created a relationship that I didn't want to have in my life anymore. Is it coward on my part? sure. But I'm also sure that "talking it out" is not possible since I don't think she is psychologically capable of seeing my point and will try to bend everything in a way to either draw me back in or excuse herself from any responsibility in that dynamic.