The Girl-About-Town
She’s on her third party of the night, and she’s got four shows tomorrow. Somehow, she doesn’t even look tired. Or maybe dark circles just look chic on her. Guess that’s why she’s the “It” girl and you’re not.
The Dude Who Can’t Get In (But Swears He’s on the List)
He’s run out of people to text and is asking the PR intern at the door if she “knows who he is.” This poor fellow is stuck in a nightlife ouroboros: The more (and more loudly) he insists upon his insider status, the more he proves that outside is right where he belongs.
The Early Career Style Writer
Armed with a Notes-app list of fluffy questions — “If you were a shoe, what kind would you be?” — she’s diligently recording interviews in voice-notes that are sure to be drowned out by the ntss ntss of the DJ booth. Feeling generous? Ask her about what she’s wearing — she spent a lot of time thinking about it.
The Paid Celebrity Attendee
Arrived at 9:30 p.m. with a hard out at ten. Just did their fourth TikTok Q&A of the night, not a single question of which was about the project they’re currently promoting. But on the record? They’re having so much fun!
The PR Girlie
“Heysorrycan’ttalkrightnowsobusythisweekiscrazywaitsorrywhoareyouwith?”
The Guy Who Does Nothing But Goes to Everything
He “takes photos” but isn’t the hired photographer. He’s “friends with the designer” but wasn’t at the show. What does he do for work? Who cares? The model-influencer he’s been DM-ing for the past three months just walked by.
The TikTokfluencer
The person spending twice as long as everyone else on the step-and-repeat? That’s that “content” “creator” you muted last year. Despite your best efforts, that perky, grating voice remains inescapable. At least for the rest of the evening.
The Downtown DJ
Between fielding texts from friends at the door, they’re queuing up banger upon banger — Y2K pop hits, indie-sleaze anthems, that song from The Idol if they wanna show everyone they “get it.” Once the party really gets going, Azealia Banks’s “212” is inevitable. The list won’t save you, but the DJ just might.
Illustrations: Laura Callaghan
